I am pulverized everyday by my own flesh.
I took that poison yes,
But when will this anguish go away?
You have answered my prayers, yet this one you choose to delay.
I am dying every morning until I take my relief.
When I run out, I know what horror will await me.
Cold sweat and racing thoughts. Random firing of brain activity.
You were right when you said that the world hates me.
But I will not make the same mistake as I have in the past,
and curse you for the affliction that I have mistaken for your wrath.
For I know you love me with all of your might.
Forgiving me even on that regrettable night.
I am a son of the Most High and I will stand up and fight.
Just promise me that when I fall,
you will catch me and hold on tight.
So long I have begged you for mercy from this thorn.
No, you have not yet answered, but I trust in you as I mourn.
I quiver and shake every single morning,
but I trust you even when I am beaten, hallowed, tormented and burning.
If all else fails, please take me to where you are.
Father I beg you, do not let me be just another fallen star.
This broken world has taken its toll on me.
My broken mind has beaten me to my knees.
From there is the only way I met you,
and all of the wonderful things that you have since made come true.
I will not forget my prayers that have been answered,
but Father please forgive me for taking that cancer.
If I could go back and do it again,
oh, how different I would have handled it.
The glory would be yours
and I would still be healthy, not sick.
Only you know what I am speaking of,
and only you know the destruction it wants to incur.
But if I ask and you do not answer,
I know this thorn is one that I must endure.
All this being said, I don’t trust in my own ill will.
I know what my will is until the end,
but Father may your will always and forever win.
One more thing, and I don’t mean to offend.
Please protect me from my own sin.
In Jesus name,